We did get another positive pregnancy test. I'm not really sure how to react. When I got pregnant late last year, I was elated. When I get pregnant in the Spring, I was cautiously optimistic. When I got pregnant a couple of months ago, I tried out being brazen. I couldn't possibly have 3 dead babies in a year, could I? Joke's on me.

Since then I've been completely crushed. Non-functional. Might have killed myself except Megan and Quinn need the money that I make. Honestly Quinn, felt food and the next episode of Chuck are the only things that have kept me going. Sometimes Megan, but most of the time I just blame her for making me go through this over and over and over.

I would have given up already, that's for sure. Yes, I want a baby, but maybe not enough to keep torturing myself. Megan has been in charge of everything. I kept referring to myself as her surrogate because I couldn't let me self get emotionally involved, but I should have known I was kidding myself.

Over the weekend we went to Christmas for Megan's Mom's side of the family. There were two babies there. Both had due dates right around when France/is' (Littlest Eggplant) would have been born. They were crawling and adorable. It was so torturous to be there. There was even a video of the past year with delivery photos and stuff. It was really good, but when the background music switched to Green Day's "Good Riddance", I had to escape to the bathroom. Everyone kept talking about all the babies, so many babies, but NOBODY mentioned the fact that there were three dead babies that were NOT at the party. I know people don't know what to say, but a hug and an "I'm sorry" would have done so much.

Then we came home and tested and got a positive. Ok, 2 microscopically faint lines and a "Not pregnant" on the digital, which we all know adds up to a positive. I feel limboish. I want betas because I want to know, but I don't want betas because they cause me so much stress and I just want to be zen about things. I'm thinking I will wait until after I've missed my period. That would be like Saturday-ish and maybe call the RE on Monday. They will want to do betas and progesterone. At that point, I think I might be able to deal a little better. Maybe.

*deep breath*